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The idea that there's so much life you don't control, and to accept that and still be a person, is still very hard. I would be encouraging, I would point out the positives. We certainly share a lot with DBT, a kind of CBT for people who have intensely destructive feelings—dialectic behavioral therapy. Then you're much more likely 10 or 20 years later to really love them. You go in the hospital and right away you start to think about what the limits are—what does it mean if things don't go right? The one you want to forgive is God, for having to live in a world where jerks have as many kids as anyone else. Khazan: It sounds like setting your own personal standards and values is key to your philosophy, and it also sounds like those can vary pretty widely from individual to individual. Michael: If you find that your parent is one of those people who is really just a jerk, it's sort of like forgiving a cockroach for being a cockroach, or a snake for being a snake.

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